My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
