Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
