I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
