i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
