I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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