You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize