The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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