Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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