Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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