I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
