Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
