I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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