its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
40s are totally the cure
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
