hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Randomize
