You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
