Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
