Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize