There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Actions speak louder than pants.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
