also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
