If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
