my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
