dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
