this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
