I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
