hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
