NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
