You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize