Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
