I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
