and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
