the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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