Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize