Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
