I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize