Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
