He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
