i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
