In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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