I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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