well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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