I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
