Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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