I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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