i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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