If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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