Swine flu. Run for my life!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
