I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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