I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
