Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
