I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
