she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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