Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
