wakey wakey hands off snakey
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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