I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
