dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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