The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
